Listening Effectively

We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking.

• Usually it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure accurate understanding of the message.

• Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could reflect back the other person's:
• Account of the facts.
• Thoughts and beliefs.
• Feelings and emotions.
• Wants, needs or motivation.
• Hopes and expectations.

• Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by the sender is not the message.

• Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The underlying concern may be in the form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.

• Know when to quit using active listening. Once you accurately understand the sender’s message, it may be appropriate to respond with your own message. Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.

• If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct your misunderstanding.

• Active listening is a very effective first response when the other person is angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in relationships that are important to you.

• Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.

• Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.

Advice: Become a more effective listener. Practice these active listening techniques and make them part of your communication skills.