Application Story Two: Approaching To Change, Things We Can Control: What We Say, Think and Feel

As we read in our other reflection, when facing any change in our lives it is normal to feel out of control. In fact, in many occasions life hand us changing events without an advance notice. In these changing events it is natural to feel lost as we look for certainty when thinking that everything is going to be okay, clarity to understand the best steps to make, and reassurance that we eventually feel better.

It is a fact that we can’t control how or when things will change in our lives, however there are three things that we can control: the words we say, the thoughts we have, and the feelings we allow ourselves to feel. I will say that these three things can make our change more complex or spark momentum and hope.

I believe that when we start feeling better in our inside is when our outside conditions will soon improve; however as humans we often want conditions to change before we feel better. What a dilemma, but that is what happens.   Let’s focus now on the things we can control, that will help us change our inside conditions and make us have a better outlook when change is approaching. The 3 things:

1.       What We Say: The Words We Choose…

To help you with this, it is a good exercise to start observing the words and language we are using when describing our situation, or in any other case when we are facing a situation that seems to be hard or difficult.   Here are some suggestions:
Take a look and think if you exaggerate and go to the extremes. Sometimes we tent to act like victims, heroes, or we swear a lot. We say things like: “this is the worst time of my life “or “I won’t be able to overcome this problem”, “why is always me the one facing these issues.”

Now imagine you are describing the change or the situation that is happening to you, and practice saying it out laugh. But this time include words of encouragement and optimism. Try to change those negative feelings for words that are more positive and cheerful. In truth, change could be hard and difficult, but when you replace those negative feelings for words of encouragement, this will make you have a better outlook of the situation.

Just keep in mind, when you speak in a negative way about what you are facing, you put yourself in a situation of pessimism and negativity creating a life that mirrors those negative feelings.  Yes it is hard! But keep in mind that if you describe what you are going through in a positive way, you will feel lighter and will have more strength to take further actions.

2.       What We Think: Positive Thoughts Make Them Work for You…I heard before an expression that says: “When you change the way you think, you tap into your inner voice and become a great film director”. Yes, you can control the movies in your mind. You can make them be brighter, darker, negative, harder, or uplifting. So I will say that when working to control your thoughts or ideas, this will help you acknowledge your expectations. Moreover, expectations can cast a spell on us that is true. We normally think that one way is the right way, and subsequently it freezes other ways of being. 

In the next lines I will present you an exercise that will help you set the right expectations and bring your positive thinking:

When change is presented to us, or we believe we are ready to make a change in our lives, stop and take a moment to ask ourselves: What do we expect here?Then take a moment to bring all the expectations into the light, and ask: Do we believe the change will be hard?
Do we expect to take forever?
Do we expect to be the ones losing out?
Do we have a clear vision of how things will happen?
Do we see how hard we are setting things up to be, often before they happened or started to change?

On the other hand, I have friends that use the “cancel word” canceling negative thoughts. Like them I became more creative, and use the expression “Chu Chu Chu” when I am trying to expel bad thoughts or negative feelings out of my mind.  I will say, tray to use whatever it works for you to expel those bad thoughts out of your mind, especially when things are harder.

3.       What We Feel…Although feelings can be very painful they are just emotions that are challenging us during those hard moments. But as my personal coach suggested to me, they are just emotions, and feelings, that are important to be acknowledged. But regardless of the pain, they will go away eventually. Besides there are moments where we think the worst of our emotions, and we feel bad because we are feeling angry and frustrated, or we may be doing something wrong because what we are feeling. My coach said to me once again, “Your Feelings are a Gift” Why? “We need to thank them because they are expressions of ourselves, they speak for us in those moments, and eventually they will carry good indicators of where we need to be heading”.Here is a great life master that used the following words to express our feelings: “Joy and sorrow are inseparable, together they come and when one sits alone with you… remember that the other is asleep upon your bed”. – Kahil Gibran.

Let me finish with a story of mine: When I was getting married and moving to the States with my fiancé Sebastian, I had a very strange emotion. I was moving away from Colombia, to the States leaving behind family, friends, a great job and great memories.  It was a bitter and sweet moment in my life. I was leaving things to let new things come to my life. However, I was sad and felt very bad for having those feelings when my life was going to be a wonderful one with the love of my life. Now that I reflect more, nothing was wrong with my future in the States and my husband to be. What I felt was leaving a city with great memories that I loved and that I enjoyed, I was sad. Then I just realized that I needed to grieve my years in Colombia before I was able to embrace my new future. I said my good byes, cried, and set a farewell party with all my family and friends. It was a good thing that I let my sadness came to celebrate those memories and helped me prepare for the new adventure. 
In conclusion, let our tears come if they need to come, let us release the emotion, the tension, and the stress. That is part of the changing process. I can assure that later in the process, there will be a wake up point to embrace the change.

Finally, to keep these 3 things in mind, these are our take aways:

1.       Be very mindful of the questions we will ask to ourselves, the language we use, and the stories we will tell. Decide if we want to be imprisoned or liberated during the change.

2.       We REALLY can control our thoughts during any change. Let’s select the good ones. Look for better thoughts and ideas.

3.       It is a fact that all changes will involve a LOSS, and it is OKAY to feel the emotions that are part of that LOSS. Do not be afraid of those feelings; that pain will stop and will bring us to an awaking point letting the new things come.

4.       To learn more about "Change” Check it Out: The First 30 Days – Your Guide to Making Any Change Easier – Ariane de Bonvoisim

Remember:
Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions for the become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. – Anonymous.

Enjoy!